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Pearls & Swine

This moment actually occurred 2 months ago. Sometimes I write and don't publish. And as I was deleting posts that I am glad I didn't publish, I came across this one... that I don't want to forget. A priceless moment of complete embarrassment shared for the sake of my posterity, and my case of early dementia.

Recently, our church meetings changed from 1PM to 9AM.

A shock to my system, but a very welcome change. Church from 1-4PM is just wrong. It takes the entire day to get ready (and we're still late), it's right in the middle of nap time, and by the time you get home and eat dinner, the day is over.

But church at 9AM, has is pros and cons as well. We have to wake up at the crack of dawn, but at least we're home by lunch time with the rest of the day to enjoy the Sabbath and keep it holy. To eat, to nap, to read, to take walks, to visit family, to make brownies and eat them with our favorite friends.

But there was a HUGE con that happened today. And it involved my fat baby who likes to say bad words, and because he woke up at the crack of dawn, and because we rushed out of the house and forgot his "jewsh", just happened to be super cranky during our first hour of church... which happens to be Sacrament Meeting.

Sacrament Meeting, for those who have not yet experienced it, is the meeting where we Mormons partake of the bread and water, and then listen intently and reverently (while battling with our naughty children) to members of our congregation share their experiences, testimonies, and knowledge on various spiritual topics.

In our congregation, we fill a stake center from chapel to overflow- where the basketball court meets the stage- with people. And we recently learned that our place on the ward seating chart is somewhere in the back.... on metal chairs, on the hardwood of the basketball court.

So back to my cranky baby. He was really mad that we didn't bring his "jewsh", so Aaron and I juggled him back and forth in an effort to both entertain and contain him, and ruining the meeting for those around us. He had already chucked a handful of Matchbox cars (I don't know why we bring those) as well as thrown himself on the hardwood floor in a tantrum.

In a moment of amazing motherhood genius and compassion (note the heavy use of sarcasm), I gently picked him up, sat him on my lap facing me and whispered in his ear "I love you baby."

His response resulted in my new Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life.

With his cute, little, chubby 2 year old hands, he grabbed both strands of my pearls (1 fake, 1 real) and yanked. In a rush of panic, I grabbed his hands trying to keep them from pulling any further away from my neck, and then- he pulled harder.

Pearls everywhere.

Bouncing on the hardwood, basketball court/0verflow/metal chair covered room.

Clanking, clinking, bouncing, rolling, loud, loud, loud pearls EVERYWHERE. In horror, with a bright red, beaming face, I looked closely to examine which pearls they were. I only saw the fake set- not a set any longer- rolling on the floor.

I checked for the real set- still around my neck. Which was a tiny consolation of comfort in that moment of complete humiliation.

And then I heard a rumble of talk and laughter. They were laughing at us. One nice man walked up to Aaron and kindly handed him ONE of the pearls. In jest, I'm sure.

The speaker finally finished. I grabbed Jack, and my church bag, and softly stepped through pearls scattered all across the floor. I quietly, while wishing I was invisible, walked to the nearest exit, while pearls continued to drop through my dress.


If I could have gone home, I would have in a heart beat. If I could have spanked his cute, little 2 year old bum, I would have done that, too. But... I had to stay at church, and really, he is too cute to spank.

And today's life lesson learned- the literal casting of pearls before swine (or a two year old) is not at all worth it.


Deby said…
Ah, one of the many joys of motherhood. Funny story! And things like that are always funny after time.
meg said…
I can just picture it...
What I'm sad about is the fact that you are writing and not publishing. What's up with that? You're depriving us of more Mandee. Or you're just alot smarter than myself. Maybe I should let some things sit until my head clears. Then maybe I would realize it's not worth the drama and just delete it :)
Wendy said…
So did anyone fall on their way out of the gym? That is classic...
Anonymous said…
That is a great story/memory. I can picture all of it! You are a good Mom....

Why must they chuck their matchbox cars during sacrament? Noah pegged a poor person in the back of the head a few weeks ago.
grandma jojo said…
i'm thinking you need to let all of us be the judge of what you delete.
thanks for making me laugh. i needed to laugh today.
Unknown said…
When Colin was about that same age he of course wanted to keep his sacrament cup, and I of course let him. After several minutes of chewing and sucking the cup he decided he was finished and proceeded to toss it into the congregation, landing on the lap of the Stake Relief Society Pres.
I have lots of favorite church stories and none of them have to do with the speaker!
Urmston Family said…
I think someone should write a book about all the funny things that have happend to moms during church. I too have had a strand of pearls break during sacrament meeting. I also think the worst thing that could ever happend to a mom during stake confernce happend to me. 2 kids threw up on me. Perhaps i should share that one on my blog someday. Take care and it was so fun to see you. ~JIll
Leisha said…
Mandee. I love you. You always make my laugh when I come to your blog. I am so glad that we are not the only ones. I love your old post too about the seating chart and the things you learned. It is all way to true and it kills me. Laughing so hard.
OHHHHHHH Pooor you!!! I know how do you feel about being humiliated, too. Don't we all need to laugh once in a while especially when reading or hearing someone's else story?
amanda jane said…
oh yeah. our two year olds coul be a matching set. thanks for keeping it real.
k8shoe said…
I'm so sad that I was late to church that day (like I am every week)....I would pay good money to see that!
Hailey said…
I wish I could have been there--I'm sure you handled it with the utmost charm and grace, as only you could!
Stephanie said…
I had some friends recently bring a bag of skittles to their sacrament meeting. . .A large bag. They died.
Sara said…
Great story!
Dana Goff said…
I'm sure the look on your face had to be priceless. Sorry we missed it up in the soft benches. We've been working hard for that spot. :)
Brown Family said…
Love these "precious" moments of motherhood. Too funny and yet horrifying all at the same time!
Unknown said…
Mandee!!! This story is freaking hilar. You are the bomb diggity friend. I avoid wearing the pearls at all cost for I fear this same thing happening to me. Love you friend!
Julie said…
I kept thinking about this story on Sunday when we actually got to church early so we could have good seats for the primary program (it was darling!- loved it! - good job!). I felt so out of place on those nice, padded benches! We are definitely a few rows back from you on the ward seating chart.

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