Aging

I notice it almost every day when I look in the mirror.

And I noticed it BIGTIME in our recent family pictures . I look 32. Maybe older. My insides still feel 22, and it's a down right shock everyday when I look in the mirror and don't see the face that I feel like I should have. (My eyes are a story all on their own.)

I also notice it when I say things like "I am not the maid of this house" and "do you think the garbage is going to take itself out?".  All things my own mother said.

And I felt especially old the other day as we were on campus at BYU. Maddy had club volleyball tryouts, so we made it a family event. Since I had all 3 little boys with me, who thought that the bleachers and the basketball hoops were early Christmas gifts, I thought I would treat them to some french fries at the eatery across the parking lot. (I was also treating myself to some temporary sanity, and all of the other people in the gym to some relief from the Grant Boys.)

And while we were there- me with my 3 boys, and the college students with their books, backpacks, and iPods- I sat deep in thought... reminiscing about my college days. Remembering what was important to me then. What worries I had. What I wish I had known. And thinking "if I could go back and do it all over knowing then what I know now... what would I do different?"

And I would do so many things differently. So many things.

I would have taken my education more seriously.
I would have worked less.
I would have dated nicer boys.
I would have dated more boys.
I would have traveled more. 
I would have learned more. 
I would have experienced more.
Most importantly, I would have enjoyed my single years more instead of worrying, and fretting, and worrying, and fretting that "the one" was going to get away, or that he would never come.
I would have taken the time to get to know myself better.  

And then I started to think about the future. Fast forwarding to 42. And wondering what kinds of things I would look back on and wish I had done differently- now.

Will I wish I had just let the kids jump on the couch cushions?
Not worried about stupid things like our house and landscaping?
Given more time and attention to my extended family?
Visited my Gramma more?
Said "I love you" more?
Spent more time with our kids doing kid stuff? Teenager stuff?
I will wish I had practiced more patience with our kids. I already wish that at the end of every day.

And then I started to panic. Wondering about everything I am doing wrong. Wondering if I am doing anything right.

And then Jack put his hands in the ketchup. And reality told me that I can only do what I can do. So, at that moment, I grabbed a wipe, wiped his hands clean. And said I love you.

While walking back to the gym, a college girl walked by us and said "cute boys", and then flashed us a smile that told me she was looking forward to the day when she would be done with college books, and instead reading to her "someday children".

And I wanted to tell her... enjoy your college time. Because soon enough, you will be cleaning ketchup from tiny, chubby hands. Looking at 32 year old aging eyes. And wondering where the time went. Enjoy your "selfish years"- the years when all you have to do is worry about you!  These are the years when you are filling up your reserves, preparing for the day when little hands, and hungry teenagers, and a tired, over worked husband will need every bit of you that you've got.  

Oh, and date nice boys. And study really hard. And do something that you love. Just work on making you the best you that you can be. And those talents you've been given- USE THEM! Oh, and travel, because it's so much harder once you have a family to take care of. And when you do meet Mr. Right, make sure he has a sense of humor... and call your Gramma! And... and... and... enjoy the moment.

Really. Enjoy the moment.